It's Been Too Long

By Chia Hur

I felt bad after not visiting this website for a month, this place is like a Shangri La turned into wasteland! What happen to the updates? Sigh,I guess I'll have to start doing things myself. =P

Well, recently I participated in the Humorous Speech contest. Although I only made it to the Area, I would like to share my speech(script) with you guys who couldn't make it. Here it is!

I have a guy friend, during our college days we were like the most macho men in our campus. We were like the Chinese version of Shahrukh Khan except we can’t dance. One day we decided to hit the cinema together, just the two of us for some unromantic reasons.

One thing great about being macho man is that we have no plans, we don’t do reservation. We rather queue up for the leg exercise. For that day, it was a good exercise because the queue was freakin’ long. The tickets were selling out like hotcakes. By the time it’s our turn, it’s only the leftovers, the only seats left were the “neck-stiffing” seats in front. Looking at our depressed facial expression, the ticket seller offered us something that macho men like us would runaway from. She offered us pair of “lovey-dovey couple seats” behind.

I tried rejecting her politely by doing the traditional headshake, but it seems like it’s too difficult for her to understand. So I decided to get verbal and I told her “Today, it’s not my shoulder’s turn be his pillow.” As a result, we ended up with the “neck-stiffing” seats.

Personally, I have a very bad impression on couple seats. People are seriously abusing them for “kiss & hug” sessions. Now, I have a suggestion for the cinemas on how to solve this problem. All they need to do is to attach a glow in the dark sticker in front of the couple seats that says “if mating season is close, get a room!”

Back to the movie when my neck got stiffer and stiffer by the minute, suddenly I felt a 7.9 magnitude earthquake. Just before I was about to get up from my seat and run for my life, I looked around and I realized I was the only one experiencing it. And then I felt the earthquake again when I turned to my left, I found the source of the earthquake, it was man made. Apparently, that guy on my left side was having a great time shaking his legs off. It was like his legs; just his legs got possessed by some evil spirit. From what I heard, when you get possessed, you will feel an energy flow as if you were being electrocuted.

At that time, I wanted to confront that man, I wanted to ask him “Hey friend, do you need an exorcist?”, but before I could do that my mum’s image appeared in my mind. She was folding her arms like genie and she said “Son, silence is golden and all good things come to those who wait”. Believing in her words, I waited out. At the end of the day, I suspected that he was on Energizer because he did not stop shaking at all!

On that day, after coming out from the cinema with a stiff neck and dizzy head, I’ve finally learnt 2 things:

#1, “Opportunity only knocks once”, I should have let go of my ego and taken the couple seats instead, I could be saving 3 days of neck pain.

#2, I realized if you want something to be done, you have to start opening your mouth because “silence isn’t made of solid gold, it’s only gold plated.”

How was it? Did you guys, enjoyed it? =) This speech actually took me a month to complete, if I didn't lose, it will still be under construction. In the competition this time, I've learnt a few thing. Would like to share it with you guys too.

1) You need courage to speak, but you will need even more courage to pause. Ironic, but kind of true. I've been telling myself I needed to pause at some parts of my speech(punchlines), but I felt uncomfortable when I have eyes looking at me waiting for words to come out of my mouth. I really need more determination in pausing, if I want to stirr laughter into the crowd.

2) More drama! I've been to several contest and I don't think those guys are that funny. I don't think I have that much difference too. The trick to ignite laughter is to understand you audience. Understand what they want. From my point of view, audience wants more drama. They want to see more vivid body laguages, more vocal variety and more emotions! Yeah, need to brush up on my acting. =P

3) If you don't think you are funny, cheat! If you can't beat cheaters, join them! I got a confirmation from a few senior toastmasters telling me that as long as 2/3 of my speech is original, I can cheat my way thru using other people's materials. Doesn't sound heroic, I know. Even I wouldn't do it, but I hope this information would help you guys join the next speech contest. It's fun getting more ornaments to decorate your house!

That's it for today, stay tune for my updates! =P